Is there ever an uncomplicated grief?!? Apparently. But it’s all just terminology, I guess.
So I went and saw my therapist last week. Hadn’t seen him for quite some time, though I have seen him off and on for different issues over the past 6 yrs. Anyway, I really like him and trust him. And apparently, what I am experiencing with Wookie, is this “complicated grief” thing. Having never heard the term before, of course I had to run home and google it, and this is what I found: http://www.complicatedgrief.org/bereavement/
And that pretty much sums it up. I’m just stuck in the grieving process. I have learned that one of the factors that is keeping me stuck is the belief that Wookie will come back. Not like his spirit will come back in the form of another dog, but Wookie himself will somehow come back to me. Which, of course, I understand is not possible… but I still hold onto the belief that somehow it will happen. I can’t just say Wookie is gone. In my mind I say that Wookie is gone but he might come back. Apparently this keeps the grieving process going, not acknowledging that they are gone for good. So I need to work on that.
My other roadblock is the tremendous guilt I feel. I should have recognized the tumor earlier. There is no doubt about that. And what if I had? Would he have lived longer? Would he have been the one in a million that beat all the odds? Obviously I have no way of knowing. I need to find a way to forgive myself and I’m not sure how that is going to happen. So I’m paying $300/hr to figure it out, lol.
This whole post seems very self-absorbed, but I just wanted to share it in case someone else was having the same type of problem. I have never grieved like this for a family member or for any of my other dogs. This is profoundly different and is profoundly painful, but I guess at some point there has got to be some light at the end of the tunnel. All tunnels end eventually, right?
Kelly you are not self-absorbed, not one bit. That’s what these blogs are all about anyways, they are about YOU and your journey, wherever you are in that process.
I’m so glad you brought up this subject and I hope you don’t mind that I’m going to share your post in the Forums Coping with Loss section. I think you probably blogged on a busy day and your post got bumped so few people had a chance to see it. But I’d like more to see it because I for one have never heard of that term either, but I’ve seen plenty of folks experience it after losing their heart dog. Thank you for introducing that description to us.
Well, even though the therapy is pricey, there’s a reason why. It WILL help you get there and together with your strength, you can overcome your feelings of guilt. I wish I could do it for you or i could be a better therapist. But I CAN be here to listen, even if I get here a few days late. You are such a great person and you don’t deserve to have this kind of pain in our life. I’m just happy you’re writing and talking to others about it.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
Kelly,
Thanks for sharing this. It does help. Rene is right the blogs and everything are about you & your journey. I am glad you shared it.
Hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy
Hi Kelly,
Thank you for sharing this, and also thank you to Jerry for re-posting it. I would have missed it as well. I have not been on Tripawds very much this week, as it has been difficult for me lately. I lost my Nesta on the 16th.
I hope and pray that your grief will get better in time. The grief I am dealing with does not seem to be the “complicated” kind because I do keep reminding myself that Nesta (in his body-form that I know him in) will not be coming back to me in the lifetime. But that is the part that is so damn hard to grasp. It physically and emotionally hurts my heart to say, think or even write those words. I am a little confused and bewildered by it all too. I just cannot believe this is the reality. Well, I can believe it in theory, but again, its just so damn hard to really get a grip on that. Where I find comfort this is:
The special unique LOVE that you (me) and Wookie (Nesta) shared has created a LINK, or a bridge, that exists between two very different ‘space-times’ and even though it is difficult for us to fathom what that ‘space-time’ is where our beloved dogs’ souls have gone, remember that the LINK of LOVE will always exist. And he is aware of it, and so are you! And no matter what, that will never go away. We are better because they have opened our hearts to a special love that we never would have known if it weren’t for them. What a blessing!
I know this doesn’t take the pain away, and that pain will probably never really go away, but we hope that in time the pain turns into gratitude. And we just live on, knowing that we have something very special burrowed in our hearts, that link of love between two souls that whose stories will always be interwoven throughout all space and time.
First of all the photo of wookie made me laugh and cry at the same time. We lost our beautiful Misty almost 2 years ago and I still get that kick in the stomach feeling when I think about her. It must be something about loving so freely and unrestricted. I wish sometimes I felt that way about people. But like you I have never been affected this way before, so have I never loved that much before either? The hard part now is letting ourselves love that way again. We have been blessed with another furry family member who is actually related to Misty and I love her to pieces but I think I’m afraid to love that much again. Thanks for sharing.
I really appreciate your sharing this part of the journey, Kelly. In our society, it’s not easy to say that we are grieving for an animal after a week or so because so many people raise their eyebrows. Not all, but lots. But you know that everyone here understands it and feels it. We all feel our grief in individual ways, but we understand yours.
There is an element to this that you have not mentioned and I hope you will embrace it. This grief, as profound and paralyzing as it may be, can make you into the veterinarian who eases the loss for your clients like few others can. As hard as this is, you will make it easier for all those who come to you to end their companions’ unbearable pain.
Your heart is different now and you will be different as well. You are different because of Wookie. With every animal you help find their wings, a part of Wookie will be there because of how he changed you. They make us better.
Shari