Is there ever an uncomplicated grief?!? Apparently. But it’s all just terminology, I guess.

So I went and saw my therapist last week. Hadn’t seen him for quite some time, though I have seen him off and on for different issues over the past 6 yrs. Anyway, I really like him and trust him. And apparently, what I am experiencing with Wookie, is this “complicated grief” thing. Having never heard the term before, of course I had to run home and google it, and this is what I found: http://www.complicatedgrief.org/bereavement/

And that pretty much sums it up. I’m just stuck in the grieving process. I have learned that one of the factors that is keeping me stuck is the belief that Wookie will come back. Not like his spirit will come back in the form of another dog, but Wookie himself will somehow come back to me. Which, of course, I understand is not possible… but I still hold onto the belief that somehow it will happen. I can’t just say Wookie is gone. In my mind I say that Wookie is gone but he might come back. Apparently this keeps the grieving process going, not acknowledging that they are gone for good. So I need to work on that.

My other roadblock is the tremendous guilt I feel. I should have recognized the tumor earlier. There is no doubt about that. And what if I had? Would he have lived longer? Would he have been the one in a million that beat all the odds? Obviously I have no way of knowing. I need to find a way to forgive myself and I’m not sure how that is going to happen. So I’m paying $300/hr to figure it out, lol.

This whole post seems very self-absorbed, but I just wanted to share it in case someone else was having the same type of problem. I have never grieved like this for a family member or for any of my other dogs. This is profoundly different and is profoundly painful, but I guess at some point there has got to be some light at the end of the tunnel. All tunnels  end eventually, right?

Oh, Wookie.

Why did you have to leave me so soon? And why is every day getting harder rather than easier? I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Looking at your photos bring me heartache and just make me miss you more. It’s been 9 mos and 8 days, but it may as well have been yesterday. And I know so many have lost their dear fur babies so recently, so who am I to complain? But this just gets harder and harder. You would think I’d be better equipped to deal with this. But I am not. I wish you would come to me in my dreams, like Pony used to do, to let me know you are ok. You did come once, but it was so fleeting. When you were sick, and would sleep by my side of the bed, I used to wake up in the middle of the night and pet you for hours, so I could permanently engrain in my brain what your head felt like, the shape of it, the texture of your hair, all your curls. I loved all your curls.

I’m just rambling, I know that. And I wish I could be more helpful in the forums and offer more advice, but, well, I just don’t seem to be able to. I’m sorry for that.

I just want my boy back.